Heightened Darkness

Mmmm...that's the sound I make when you kiss my lips. The taste of you is phenomenal. Never thought I see the day when I date somebody like you, but I must admit, your physique intrigues me. Your sweetness goes beyond the taste of you. Your respect for me makes me want you a little bit everyday. Tall, dark, and handsome. Three words I still can't believe I'm using to describe the man slowly removing my clothes and caressing my body. Yes, I love living in this moment. My legs wrapped around your body. Your heavenly smell engulfing my senses. Those big, strong hands moving across my skin. I get enticed by your accent as you whisper in my ear what you want from me. Fuck, that got me hot! The softness of your body lets me know you take the best care of yourself. Your muscular build is something I have silently admired and always wondered about. Now, I get to see the flesh that has been placed captive in those clothes. We have been tip-toeing around each other for too long, but now, it's our time to know what the other feels like. As we stand facing each other, I smile at how I only come to your chest. You chuckle at my lack of height, even with my heels on. I playfully push you on the bed and climb on top of you. Oooo...sightings of your dick intrigues my pussy and makes my mouth water. I kiss my way down to it, feeling your fingers run through my hair. Have you been thinking about this like I have, baby? Have you dreamed of this moment as I have on those nights when I have come home without you? Slowly but surely, my fantasies will come true. I will re-enact us into reality. Yes, I love the way the taste of your dick makes my pussy throb with excitement. Yeah, I'm loving the sounds you make as I suck and lick my way down your dark chocolateness. It's only right that I make you cum down my throat as I cum down yours. It's time baby. Bring that ass here and give me what I've been wanting is all I hear from you. I jump on the dick, placing my hands on your stomach and riding real slow, speeding up as I grind my hips  and bite my lip. I feel your hands holding me and guiding my body. We both moan from the feeling, making sure I don't lose control. Shaking. Bouncing. Moaning. Gripping. Dan I can't take it! I cum down your shaft and lay on your chest, only to feel you lift my body and stand up, your manhood still in me and my body still against yours. With my back against the wall, I damn near scream at how you stroking me. Feel it running down your legs? Like how my legs tighten around you? Your strength is expected, but your power is a surprise to me. The way you lay me down keeps me excited. The fact that you know where to hit it just right keeps me wanting more. Moans. Cums. Screams. Shivers. I hear your breathing deeper. I feel so surrounded by your large frame but can't help to pull myself into it. I grip your broad shoulders as my pussy continues to drown the bed and ourselves. The breathing goes harder. Our bodies tense up together. We both release  and feel ourselves coming down. You lay down in the mess we have made and pull me on top of you. I giggle and lay down on your chest, unable to fight the feeling of a baby in her father's arms. Relax is what we tell ourselves. Clean-up is what's next on the agenda. Tall, dark, and handsome. That's how it's going to be for a good while...

Grooving

The crowd has gotten thick, but the air is still cool as it blows and circulates around the well dressed bodies that surround the place. Even though the drinks have been flowing, nobody has lost their cool. The ladies are laughing and giggling as they enjoy the scenery, and the men are looking around to find that one to get at. There are a few bar sitters, but nobody is hugging the wall. No suit jackets. Nothing extra stiff or fancy. Just relaxed. That's the atmosphere that these grown and sexy people have been brought into. Smiles adorn the place, the music sets the tone for what everybody is expecting: a great time. There are no worries about safety. There are no arguments about territory. Everybody is just enjoying each other without there being any expectations. The aurora screams wonderful. Everybody seems to have manners as they weave and walk their way through the crowd and around each other. Then it happens. The DJ calls everybody to the dance floor. The music starts to blur around everybody and is so engulfing that no one can resist the temptation to dance. It's nothing short of amazing as every man and woman that are in the place starts to move around the floor and bounce around to the beats and lyrics that are surrounding the place. Yes, it's happening. Tonight, relax is the word of the evening. Fun is the goal accomplished. A good time is what is achieved. The staff and the head honcho join the rest of the people in this time of rare commodity. No one can remember such as a free state of being with so many people around that has no problems. Everybody will embed this night into their minds as if it was New Year's: a night to never forget. Then comes the last call. Everybody starts to exit and make their way to their next destination. Numbers have been exchanged. Connections have been made. Groups have gone their separate ways. Time to shut it down for the night...Yes it has been another success...

Just That...

A look to the left. The clock reads 5:36pm. A look to the right. She looks at him for about a minute as he sleeps. He doesn't know she has sat up and is contemplating her escape. She wants to leave so bad, but she knows that once she gets up, so will he. He looks so peaceful. She can't help but to smile, but she knows that he is only going to wake up to ask her if she is ready to go. Why not beat him to the punch? She thinks that her leaving without him asking will hurt his feelings for some reason. Why does I care so much? is what she ask herself. The thought of going to the bathroom crossed her mind, so she went. She knew that if he heard the bathroom door close, he would go back to sleep and think nothing of it. As she stands in the bathroom, she starts to cry. The tears are silent, but she can't help it. They come from the feeling that this is going to be the rest of her life. The idea that she will never be taken seriously is embedded in her mind. The notion that she will only be good enough to fuck and occasionally be around is something she believes is inevitable. She wipes away her tears, flushes the toilet, and runs the water as if she actually did anything. She didn't want there to be any questions. She will never tell him about her hopes and dreams of getting married and having a family because they don't talk about that stuff. Yes, they know each other outside of the bedroom, but it is not enough for her. She can't take just being a fuck buddy even though this is the position that she has played for years. She loves to fuck, but she does have the plan for more. Six years since her last relationship. Four years since her last real date. Two years since she has gotten her own everything, and yet she still is without that person on her arm to do everything that she ask and love her the way she wants. Instead of looking, she settles for the little bit of affection that is given to her when he hugs against her body when they are finished. She looks forward to the little kisses on her neck and lips that he gives her when he sees her and starts to take her clothes off. She enjoys the brief conversations that they have from time to time about absolutely nothing. She refuses to have the conversation with him because she doesn't want to scare him off. Besides, there is no real feelings there. They are not even friends. They are just fucking."Get it together girl" is what she tells herself before she feels anything for him, but she can't help it. No, he ain't the only one that she lays next to, but he treats her the best. She's no side line bitch, but she is not the one and only to anyone, and that is what kills any good feeling that she has about being here. She looks at him in the bed, but she doesn't see herself rejoining him. She grabs her clothes. He starts to stir. She puts on her shoes. He sits up. She walks towards the door. He says her name. "I'll see you later" is all she says to him as she walks out and makes it to her car door. She rolls away, wiping away the tears as she gets further and further away from what she considers the closest thing she will ever have to a relationship. It freezes her heart to think that way. It burns her soul to believe any part of it. She knows it is nothing more than what it is. Her emotions are out of line. Down the expressway she goes, headed to her solitude to wait for that next call or text of somebody saying that they are in need. She vows to herself that she will have the family life that she wants...now all she has to do is make herself believe it...

Craving

It's always around. No matter where she turns, no matter what she do, it's there. She sees it. She feels its presence. She can almost taste it. She knows in her mind and in her heart that she only wants it because it's there. The variety is endless. The pickings is more than few. It's there at her grasp. she acknowledges it without even trying. She says no. She turns away, and it's there, staring her in the face again. She has the ability to control herself. She can't shake it off. She can't stop it from being there. Rejection is her only option. She knows she's alone in this struggle, but support is never too far from her grasp. She ask for it when necessary, but her conscience reminds her of what will come if she takes it, accepts it, aligns herself with it. She is her own person, but she can't be with it. She enjoys it, but it is not good for her. She likes how it never goes away, but she wishes sometimes that it will. It always being there hinders more than helps. The truth is that she doesn't want to deal with it, and it's only a headache and heartbreak. Yet, she thinks about it. Hears about it. Wants to talk about it. No, that can't happen. She has been negative enough. She sees it. She knows it's there, yet she ignores it. ENOUGH!! She screams. She cries. She fusses. She fights. She laughs. She smiles. She embraces her inner self. She tells herself that she can do this. She believes it. It can't do anything to her now. It can't do anything for her benefit. She walks away proudly with her head held high. She guarantees herself that she will not give in to it or have anything to do with it. Regardless of what the world may think. Regardless of what she wants. Regardless of what is going on. She will win this war. She will come out on top. She will be the victor once and for all. And then, only then, she will move on to the next best thing.

Out of Body Experience

It's like a movie that only her mind can record. It's a feeling that can't be matched. She watches as he touches her body and caresses her skin with his head between her legs. She watches as her body can't control itself and wants to move more and more as she feels his tongue working her pussy. She jerks at his sucking. She sees how she shakes when she cums in his mouth, and she silently laughs at her reaction. She sees the look on her face that is craving for more but knows she won't say it because she is catching her breath. She watches him walk towards her with his new toy and the condom he just put on. They both smile. She opens her legs to invite him in as he turns her body towards him. She watches as he lifts her legs up to his body and slides inside. She plays spectator to her eyes closing to the feeling of his dick fitting rightfully in her pussy. She silently chuckles at the sound of the vibrating object in his hand that he places on her clit. She loves the faces that she makes when she moans, and she can't help to see the enjoyment in his eyes to her reaction. The combination of the vibes and the strokes overpower her body, and she lets her attention fade off of them for a few moments as she feels her body do things it never has as she is experiencing something she has never felt. Slowly, she comes back to see herself squirting everywhere. The ecstasy that is running through her body is enough to make her want to scream. She can't take her eyes off the way her pussy is continuously cumming over and over again, making the both of them wetter and wetter. She loved the way he was making his dick drown in it and never stopped stroking. She was laughing at the way she lost control when he sucked her titties with his dick deep inside, but she knows how incredible he feels and how much she loves that. As he continues to work her body, she continues to watch him put down the A+ game she loves so much. She watches as he continues to prove why he is the best. She looks on as he turns her over. She knows what is coming next. She watches him fuck her pussy in the fashion she enjoys from the back. She felt him going deeper with each stroke. She saw in her face the expressions she makes when she cums. She saw him breathing harder. She heard him groan. Her favorite thing to hear. She ever so gracefully returned just in time to feel him pull out and play with her even more, making her squirt all over the bed while still bent over. Round 2 was definitely something she will never forget...

Mentally

Seeing parts that are not on the body. Pinching fat that is not there. Staring at the consistent spots that appear on the face. Forgetting about the visible birthmark that no one mentions. Randomly thinking about the one hair that grows on the chin and is plucked away when noticed. Wondering when the much needed dental work will be done. Having hope that one day a cure will be found for the condition that exists. Sometimes wondering if the legs are too long. Feeling a little self-conscious about the feet. Smiling when being called beautiful. Frowning when not seeing it for oneself. Crying at the fear of being alone. Never wanting to be a disappointment. Always trying so hard to be everything. Having little luck at shaking the feeling of being nothing. Always seeing into the happiness of others. Waiting to feel happiness return. Finding that happy place every once in a while to smile. Fighting tears when thinking alone for too long. Sees the loved ones with a loved one yet to be found. Still can't see the same for self. Have the prediction of being nothing more than a friend to anyone. Having the optimism that things will be different. Wanting to be a success. Randomly feeling like a failure. Embracing life as it is. Rejecting life as it is. Striving to be better. Desiring to stay the same. Learning new things. Harboring old feelings. Thinking about the past. Seeing a brighter future. Figuring out what is wanted. Craving intimacy and affection. Longing for love and romance. Letting go of pain and hurt. Constantly wanting the best for others. Can't pinpoint the best for self. Emotionally torn apart. Seeming to always be able to smile at some point. Never liking to make others feel negatively. Not always feeling positively. Experiencing days of joy. Encountering days of sadness. Feelings of trying too hard. Greater feelings of not trying hard enough. Loves solitude. Hates confrontation. Talks too much. Doesn't talk enough. Confused. Depressed. Happy. Content. Love. Pain. Hurt. Recovery. Affectionate. Romantic. Passionate. Reserved. Nervous. Anxious. Paranoid. Scared. Intimidated. Brave. Outspoken. Quiet. Loves hard. Highly sympathetic. Strives for happiness. Feels lots of sadness. Wants to uplift others. Repeats positive things to uplift self. Smiles to self. Hugs self. Embraces self. Slowly starts to love self a drop more each day...learning to have self control all the way around and build oneself in the positive way. Sees nothing but blue, clear skies even on a rainy day...

Snap Snap

The scissors are sitting there in front of my face. I remember when I put them down so many months ago. Tying each and every string tighter and tighter so that I knew we would never be apart. I watched as we wrapped ourselves into them and laughed happily as they engulfed our bodies. We never thought that they were intoxicating, but we knew they were slowly and surely growing. What started off as just one became great in numbers. The strength of the strings were weak, but together, they held on strong. He couldnt see it, but my hand was always free behind my back, reaching into the cookie jar when he wasnt paying attention and always ready to start cutting if need be. I knew that the sound of the strings snapping into pieces would hurt because they were attached to our hearts along with ropes. Loving each other kept the strings alive. My free hand made sure they stayed loose. One day, I started untying them, thinking that maybe being tied up with him was not where I needed to be. We fussed. We tossed. We loved. We cried. As time went on, they fell one after another. Only I could see that the strings were disappearing, but I knew I couldnt get rid of the ones tied to my heart that easily. His voice was heartbreaking when I told him the strings were disappearing. He couldnt understand that I was still attached to him. My love for him is not on a string, but my heart is anchored with many ropes wrapped and double knotted in ways I dont understand. My mind wonders to him. My love for him makes me long for him. Thoughts of his intimacy occassionally cloud my brain. Remembrance of his affection intrude my senses from time to time. Still in my dreams is he. The scissors won't be enough for the task at hand, so the knife that I'm cutting with is expected to work. As the first rope falls to the floor, the pain is felt, but it goes away at a steady pace. I push away the rope that's cut  trying to forget the strings that are gone. As the tears come and go, as sleepless nights come and leave, as memories replay and disappear, the cutting must continue...the detachment is what we both is waiting for.

Stinging (originally written July 2nd)

At first, it was just fun and games. The jokes we were cracking with each other were just because that's the understanding we had. Then came a question that I didn't expect. Lying to you was not an option. I have hurt you enough, but how can I tell you that I was giving away the body that was once yours? I sat there contemplating my statement, but all I can do is reassure that you wanted the answer to that question. My heart started to jump. My actions as of late did nothing but solidify the answer. I didn't want to throw salt in the wound that I had already opened, but you deserve an honest, adult answer, so I told you the things you didn't want to hear. No details. Just yes and no answers. There was no way to explain that my feelings aren't attached to no one but you, but there is no way to explain the fact that it's not called sex between me and him. Your next words were cold but filled with emotion all at once. The possibility of us ever being together again started to seriously fade. The fact that you refuse to touch me is not what I want, but there is no talking you out of that decision. I wanted to take it back. I wanted to say I was lying. I wanted to tell you that there has not been anybody underneath my clothes but you. I couldn't. I wouldn't. All I could do is let the damage get worse. The words I preached before were being explained in the span of a short conversation. The love that I have for you was not enough to repair anything. To hear you speak the words of moving on hurts as much as it did the night we ended us. Being the perfect person for you has gone out the window. The hope to one day to be yours again is slowly fading. Telling you that I am only capable of hurting you more will do nothing but just that. Every spoken syllable that escapes my head is a step closer to you  hating me. The discontinuation of our discussion said it all. The feeling that I have of all hope of you loving another has died a little inside. The knowing that I have made it hell and possibly destroyed a good man can't escape  me. I won't cry. I won't worry. I will continue to live one day at a time knowing what I want and what I need. I will accept that you will never understand, but I have started to understand the position of another. I stare at my phone waiting for the dreaded words of you wanting nothing else to do with me, but they never come. Instead, I must live with the knowledge that I have started your healing process, and I must start mine. At this moment, I still want to say "see you later" instead of goodbye, but everything is now in your hands. My optimism will never let go of you, but my pessimism is pushing you to the side. This is the beginning of something that has already ended...

Rollercoaster (originally written on May 2nd)

The thoughts I have of you are still pleasant in the best ways. The way that I feel for you has a way of sneaking up on me every once in a while. I love you still, never forgetting the man I fell in love with but didnt hold on to. Feeling like hearing you laugh one minute. Hearing you yell at me the next. Sad because I no longer have you as my own. Mad when I think about the things I let go and probably won't get back. Relived of the stress and strain I've created. Being away is a battle. Thoughts are of wonder, abandonment, and intrigue. Thinking about what was. Contemplating on what could have been. Loving everything about you. Hating certain things about you. Still waiting with but still not wanting to in this present state. Emotions are running wild, but there is only a matter of time before they tame themselves again. I'm going to still be this way until this ride has ran it's course for the last time. Slowly, its beginning to make the moves the moves to slow down.

Wrecked

Years and years of building and repairing. Time and time again, making sure that everything is so intact. The place inside that says to a person, "you are great" becoming bigger and bigger. The life of a person's optimism becoming a center point as she decides to make herself mentally better. Torment will no longer stop her. Love will no longer be an enemy. Life will no longer be something that she hate. The scars that she has endured from the days of kids being cruel have dropped their scabs. There may be marks, but they fade deeply. Her confidence is becoming something so incredible, she can't even see how great it is herself. Never becoming cocky, she begins to walk with her head high and all the positivity in the world. Trying to ensure the happiness of everybody around her. Slowly, she starts to develop the dark places in her heart that become the holes of her negativity. She goes through her life believing that her always smiling face is bringing light to every body's lives, but she slowly begins to think about the things that she has done and how people have been hurt by her. The cries she has heard because of her actions. The dreaded news that she is not liked. Slowly, these spots that she didn't realize she had started to become cold. More and more, the way she started to carry herself became care free, but the level of love that she had for herself increased each day as her happiness became extraordinary. Watching her emotions crash wasn't a part of the plan. Experiencing random outbursts of her suppression was not what she expected. Crying at night was something she couldn't avoid. To live in the safest and riskiest ways was what happened to her. One day changed everything. One bad decision led to another. The lies. The deceit. The hatred. The love. The feel. the care. The smiles. The frowns. The ups. The downs. It hit her like a brick through a window, and her inside shattered into pieces. Slowly, the pieces are being put back together, but her insecurities are something that she can't handle. The emotions is something that she can't bear. The hurting continues. The pain won't go away. Everyday is just that, and her optimism is shot. The wound just doesn't seem to want to heal. She has never lost her faith of love and happiness, but its only for the ones that she is around. Never wanting to trump or destroy the happiness of others, but neglecting the possibility of having her own. The love she had for herself is tainted. The feelings that she developed towards life have started to freeze. The road she is headed down is the wrong one, but she seems not to want to turn around. Eventually, she will get to the positive side of things. Smiling from the inside is something that she comes to try and experience as she lives through the positive times of life, but being alone is something she no longer desires. Her thoughts have become the darkest place when in them too long, and she can't bear the sight of herself sometimes. She can't take the sound of her own voice at times, and she can't see herself being complete. Attention? Craved and not wanted. Affection? Desired but not sought. Confidence? There but not complete. The horrible accident that is that day has paralyzed her mind and bruised her soul. The work that she has put in to walk again in the aurora that she once had is something that seems to never be again. She just hopes that the part of the old her that beamed even at the littlest things will begin to resurrect itself and overcome the pessimistic person that only she sees...Her love for life has not wavered, but her love for herself collapsed when she was hit with those words. Her life has changed, and yet, it is still the same.