As much as I love relationships, I don't ever see myself having that works. I want too much and not enough for it to be. Someone will put up with my crazy ass eventually. Until then, I fuck around and enjoy life. Change of thought: I want to fuck the shit outta him. Yes I do. I want to ride his dick until I can't no more. Yeah this is the thought running through my head. Him on top of me with my legs pinned by my head with him gripping the covers behind me fucking me speechless. Shit! His dick is amazing! If I could have that ju everyday...mmmm mmmm shit! Those dreads...omg...that body...the way he sounds when he deep in this pussy and decides to talk...that's the kind of shit that makes me cum so hard. My squirting and body shaking is motivated by him completely. I want to fuck him right now, and if I wasn't at work, I would have him naked in my bed fucking my brains out. He can get it whenever he want it. I don't give a fuck. It is what it is. If it is worth it, I will make time for it, and he got that shit that keeps my sheets and anything else we fuck on fucked up. Even the way he sucks my titties...I loss my mind because I know the dick is there for the taking. Ever had your pussy slapped with a dick? Shit is amazing. Didn't know I liked it til it happened. Fucking is my escape from my own bullshit sometimes. I fuck so that I don't think. I fuck so I don't act any other way. I fuck so that I feel better. I fuck so that i can ignore shit around me. I fuck because I love it. I also fuck to keep shit together. Its amazing how much I fuck. What can is say? Its one of the best things I have going for me. Hell it keeps somebody's attention. I really wish I was at home right now. My bed is my ultimate escape. I sleep away everything that I can. If I could be locked in my room for a few days with everything I need but the bathroom, I would be so grateful. That is definitely one place where o can release my misery in peace. Its my place of solitude. My thoughts are free to roam in their own. I love my bed and my room and if it was up to me, I would have never left it tonight and would stay in it all day tomorrow. Its okay. My days off are coming soon and I plan to spend the first one sleeping and ignoring my phone. Fuck it. People will know where I am. Whatever. I have a high disregard for people's feelings sometimes and that is really fucked up but is the naked truth. Can't put it any other way. Definitely just unbuttoned my pants so that my side would stop hurting and my stomach can breath. Had to redo it though because I just remembered I am at work. I think I am going to end it here before I really start reaching for shit to write.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Random Thoughts
I have to really adjust to being able to talk to people. I mean like really open up because I feel as if I talk too much about me. I never want to be that friend that turns every situation to be about them. That shit is annoying to folks, and I can't turn into that person. I have to find another way to express my feelings and thoughts because I dont think people can really take my level of emotional shit that I have going on inside me. It's crazy how much I love to have people that care but grew accustom to people that were just pretending. Maybe they weren't. I am now starting to see the true and genuine concern of others, and it scares the shit outta me. I don't want to run them off or push them away, but if I keep talking about all this deep ass shit I am feeling, it is bound to happen. No one doesn't want to be around someone that is not truly happy unless they are miserable themselves. I am not miserable. More so content. I have joy in some things and complete sadness in others. Something that I am starting to learn about: balance. Everything in life has to have balance. Wanna see how random my thoughts get? I truly believe that I will never be hood enough for anybody and when someone says I am I am going to run as fast as i can to get away from them just so i don't hurt them in anyway. Some men say they have commitment issues. I am afraid to hurt someone else, and I believe me getting hurt is just now my life is going to go. The shit I think is not only deep but negative as fuck. Years of letting my confidence be destroyed and my insecurities rule my thought process along with no real conversation with others about how I feel have brought me to become of a person of combustible feelings. Investing my emotions into things that i shouldn't. Putting myself in the shoes of someone when I need to be worried about my own. Why do making other people happy makes me happy? Because my happiness has yet to rebuild itself. I love it when everyone around me smiles because it warms my heart. Keeps me from having the negative thoughts I am having now. Some of the things I do with my life are for the wrong reasons but create temporary escapes from my reality. I have been handed so many things on life, and now I have created a life in which everything has to be worked for, even if it is me doing the work. Fuck it. I have done what I have wanted to do for so long but yet feel like I have done nothing at all. As much as I don't want to cry right now, these are unavoidable. This is why I have this for. This is why I write this blog. To get out everything I want to say but can't get out because I dont have an ear that could possibly want to listen to that much talking. I swear, if people let me talk as much as I truly wanted to, it would take me a week to get out everything I have to say. It's not an attention span on earth that can take that. Need to get back on the couch sessions. I may be the keeper of the emotions of two, but there is a reason why this is so. I.have a lot to say. I think a little too far into shit. My optimism has been ripped to shreds over the years and I have let it happen. Always having hope for the best but now expecting the worst. My mind is not in a happy place at the moment, and as much as I want it to be, I am having a problem bringing it there. I must say that my friends are definitely helping with these tweets. Starting to gain a grasp of what it is like to love myself again, but having something to express love to is a joy I have taken away from myself and wont have back for a very long time.
I love being in love. That feeling is like no other. I am a highly sentimental person who hates artificial sentimental shit. I live for real romance. Having someone else's emotions to hold has amplified my sentiments. I hold on to the dream of being someone's permanent significant other. Just pray that it becomes my reality. Right now, it's a no. Yeah I have gotten into some really deep shit, and I know this post is extra long, so I will stop...and continue...