Random Thoughts

I have to really adjust to being able to talk to people. I mean like really open up because I feel as if I talk too much about me. I never want to be that friend that turns every situation to be about them. That shit is annoying to folks, and I can't turn into that person. I have to find another way to express my feelings and thoughts because I dont think people can really take my level of emotional shit that I have going on inside me. It's crazy how much I love to have people that care but grew accustom to people that were just pretending. Maybe they weren't. I am now starting to see the true and genuine concern of others, and it scares the shit outta me. I don't want to run them off or push them away, but if I keep talking about all this deep ass shit I am feeling, it is bound to happen. No one doesn't want to be around someone that is not truly happy unless they are miserable themselves. I am not miserable. More so content. I have joy in some things and complete sadness in others. Something that I am starting to learn about: balance. Everything in life has to have balance. Wanna see how random my thoughts get? I truly believe that I will never be hood enough for anybody and when someone says I am I am going to run as fast as i can to get away from them just so i don't hurt them in anyway. Some men say they have commitment issues. I am afraid to hurt someone else, and I believe me getting hurt is just now my life is going to go. The shit I think is not only deep but negative as fuck. Years of letting my confidence be destroyed and my insecurities rule my thought process along with no real conversation with others about how I feel have brought me to become of a person of combustible feelings. Investing my emotions into things that i shouldn't. Putting myself in the shoes of someone when I need to be worried about my own. Why do making other people happy makes me happy? Because my happiness has yet to rebuild itself. I love it when everyone around me smiles because it warms my heart. Keeps me from having the negative thoughts I am having now. Some of the things I do with my life are for the wrong reasons but create temporary escapes from my reality. I have been handed so many things on life, and now I have created a life in which everything has to be worked for, even if it is me doing the work. Fuck it. I have done what I have wanted to do for so long but yet feel like I have done nothing at all. As much as I don't want to cry right now, these are unavoidable. This is why I have this for. This is why I write this blog. To get out everything I want to say but can't get out because I dont have an ear that could possibly want to listen to that much talking. I swear, if people let me talk as much as I truly wanted to, it would take me a week to get out everything I have to say. It's not an attention span on earth that can take that. Need to get back on the couch sessions. I may be the keeper of the emotions of two, but there is a reason why this is so. I.have a lot to say. I think a little too far into shit. My optimism has been ripped to shreds over the years and I have let it happen. Always having hope for the best but now expecting the worst. My mind is not in a happy place at the moment, and as much as I want it to be, I am having a problem bringing it there. I must say that my friends are definitely helping with these tweets. Starting to gain a grasp of what it is like to love myself again, but having something to express love to is a joy I have taken away from myself and wont have back for a very long time.
I love being in love. That feeling is like no other. I am a highly sentimental person who hates artificial sentimental shit. I live for real romance. Having someone else's emotions to hold has amplified my sentiments. I hold on to the dream of being someone's permanent significant other. Just pray that it becomes my reality. Right now, it's a no. Yeah I have gotten into some really deep shit, and I know this post is extra long, so I will stop...and continue...