The Condition

The feeling is back. The tears are unbearable but cannot be stopped. Suppression is not an option when it comes to the reality of her life. Three years have passed, but she still has yet to cope with this unwanted baggage. Her mistakes have to live with her for life. Her feelings of loneliness stem from it. She still hears those dreaded words from the doctor. "The rest of your life." To never go away. To never be erased. To always be a hazard to others. The preparation she made for herself from that day forward is still intact. She can't help but to feel she will forever be alone. The kids she wants will never exist. The marriage she wants will not happen. To love and live with another will only happen to a certain extent. Her lack of care for herself in her younger days has cost her precious gift of unlimited expression, and she emotionally still hasn't been able to live with it. She thinks those that know and have chosen to be with her in erotic ways, but she also considers the fact that all will never be the same. Her cries continue, but the only person that has sympathy for her is herself. Only one person has any idea of how she feels, but even that person doesn't know the true pain she feels inside because of this condition. A few bags of emotion have created homes in her brain, making her feel these ways. The fear of being heartbroken. The wait for her insecurity to take over her life. The hurt she would feel if she brought this on someone else. The anger she feels inside towards the person that has put her in this position. She used to love herself with all her heart, but it is just a percentage. A small part of her is in intensive care, and all she wants to do is bring it back to the most stable condition. The mirror at times is her best friend, but at times, it is her worst enemy. She lays there thinking to herself that no one would not want to live like this forever. Suicide has never been an option, but depression has already happened. Sadness is something she is all too familiar with. She still loves herself, but she can't help to harp on the mistakes she has made and the lifestyle she has to live. Slowly repairing the hole that has been burned through her heart, she says a prayer, wipes her eyes, and turns over to face the wall as she wishes her daily nightmare would become a mere thought. If only she can channel her optimism to overpower the power that has been given to her condition. Her future is bright, but the light dims and makes it uncertain when these moments of regret to surface. Self-pity and fear are not to be an option, but yet they both resurface in her brain like it is okay. She doesn't want to fight with it. She wants to deal. She will not live this way. She will not continue life in this fashion. She falls asleep with the thoughts of being person that loved herself wholeheartedly before this came about. The condition will take over itself but not her...she knows so...