Feeling

To be able to feel is a gift and a curse. The gift has the positive moments where it is happy to know that there is hope, good, and joy in the world. To be able to smile, laugh, live, and love make up the beauty of feeling. To show others they matter. To let people know they are worth it. To express to people the love that is felt for them. Every thing has its bad side. The curse of feeling comes with pain, anger, sadness, and despair. To be able to feel means to know what its like to be heartbroken. To produce the emotions to cry. To have the hatred for others. Feelings of jealousy and rage. Moods of disappointment and lack of care. To want to hide from the world instead of embrace it. Feelings bring on the internal conflict that people have in their own minds and hearts. The war between the good and evil of one's emotions. No, its not about one specific thing. Its just feelings, which are either worn on a sleeve or hidden in a steel box to never be seen. Can one person feel for another? Can someone really know how another is feeling? Can feelings be shared or is it just an individual thing? The darkness that has fallen can bring the feelings that are best left alone, but there is always that little ray of light that brings on the feelings that are best to express and want. If it wasn't for feeling, there would be no love gained. If it wasn't for feeling, there would be no love lost. Hurt and joy wouldn't exist. The world would be just one nonchalant place, and everyone would act the same. As these tears are shedding in this room filled with darkness, the feelings that are best to kept inside are escaping and being released only to oneself. May the person that gets to be in the presence of these feelings have mercy on their own...

The Workings of the Mind

The things that flow through a mind are so influential to the heart. The things that can be transported to the mind from the heart can be something critical. The mind tells the heart to pump physically and keep a person going. Its counterpart does just that. The heart tells the mind how to feel mentally. Sometimes, the mind does just that. Sounds simple in its own way, but that only happens some of the time. Emotions get in the way. Feelings start to affect the mind. Stress starts to deter the messages. Pain starts to take away from what is happening. The heart is only one of many things that affect the thoughts. As I sit here and listen to this wonderful sound play in my ear, I wonder about the things of my then, my now, and my soon to be. I think about the people sitting in the other room. I think about the ones that have ventured upstairs. I think about the one on the way here. I think about the one that I wish was here. I think about the one that is always here. I think about the love that I have to give. I think about the love that I have lost. The hatred that I have kept in a dark place. The feelings that I can't express. The emotions that I have continuously wanted to bring out and show. The things that I say to one. The package that I wish I could bring to the other. The words that I don't care to express to the others. The friends that I love to keep in my life. The family that hold so close. The past relationships that I have had. The potential relationships that I can gain. What was. What is. What could be. What could have been. Oh how I wish I could write the melody of what is in my mind into a song like the one that plays in my ear. How I wish I could really be the person that is in my dreams. How I could kiss the lips of the one that I have longed for. How I could hold the person that has captured a place in my beautiful world. Separation is something that I have practiced greatly, but that wall is slowly starting to crumble, and I don't know how to repair it, but I do know how to tear down the old and build a new. Do I want to tear it down and feed into what the heart is saying? Is it right or is it the mind trying to build its own interpretation of what the heart is saying? So much to feel...so much to contemplate...so much to think about...so much for one to take...the ups, the downs, the trials, the tribulations, the smiles, the frowns, the laughs, the cries...the stress, the love, the hate, the sad, the happy, the physical, the mental, the want, the need...the work, the play, the relaxation, the obligation, the friend, the enemy...Taking in so much of a beat down and still able to recover and heal. No, the heart is not the subject as it may seem in the vocabulary that has just been arranged and exhibited in the sentences before this one. The mind is the centerpiece of this composition. Sometimes a person just has to let it work...and let the heart work right beside it...come along my friend, let us try and make sense of some of the events of my life...then, now, and soon-to-be...

Stepping Out the Box

Placed into this box that I never saw myself in...Being in this place that I thought that I would get to...Wondering when I am going to get my way out of it. I know that there is no escaping and that I am now the contents of this box that I have been placed in. Voluntarily putting myself in the position to get put in these four walls and not knowing when I will leave. What if I suffocate knowing that I will die here in this place? What if there is a simple way to leave but I just don't know how? Let the truth be out! I don't wanna leave. I wanna be here in this place because its so comfortable to me. Having the choice to leave but not even considering it an option. Loving the residence that I have entered into and never wanting to leave. People want to enter in this box but they are never allowed to. Looking from the outside in but never knowing what is truly in here with me. Don't try to break my fucken box down! Get yo ass away from my place of peace! I live, eat, sleep, and dream to stay where I have been placed and I don't plan to leave anytime soon...my four walls are wonderful colors and this place is fulled with comfort. Stepping out my box? I most certainly will not! Do me a favor and leave me be...

Caught in a Trance...

Come into my world. Live my life for a few days. Feel the thing that is floating through my heart and upon my soul that is my love for you. Without the emotion of wanting to touch and kiss upon the person that is there, feeling complete is not an option. Breathing your name out my mouth, feeling your hands on my face, touching your lips before we kiss...its like living in a fantasy that comes true when you come around and snaps me back into reality when you leave. I never want to leave that fantasy. Listening to the slowest song that brings upon the notion of longing and wanting from a person that can't get enough of you, that can't live without you, that can't go a day away from you. Andre said it best...you are my prototype...the missing piece to a puzzle that has been all over the place for so long, it almost was lost forever. Never do I judge your flaws. Never would I turn my back to you. Never would I want to be without you ever again. A gift from God. A loving soul. An emotion to be forever felt. A physical being to be forever loved. This spell you got me under is so enticing, so exhilarating, so intriguing, so beautiful...like staring at a star in a clear night sky or a sunset that will never end, this trance is me being in love with the being, the person, the soul that is you. Imperfection comes when us becomes you and me, when we are without each other, when I see the day that there is no possibility of me having you as my life partner, my other half, my soul mate, my everything. The trance that I am under shall never go away because its so wonderful I don't ever want it to make its departure. I have fallen into your life and have gotten caught into your eternity of wanting to be complete and wanting somebody to love. I have found the world of peace that I have been looking for thanks to the trance that I am under...I pray every day that I have caught you in my trance and you never want to come out...

Changing of the Weather

That beautiful spring morning, the hot summer day, that cold winter night, that fall moments in between...yeah that is what happens to the mood of a person...gender is not really a factor. It is more of a role in a stereotype that plays out to the world in its own individual stage. Sometimes the changing in the season gets a standing ovation while most of the time it gets booed off the stage...this is when the beast releases itself out of hiding and decides to show colors that is that to not exist by him...or her...for the way that expression comes out of a person with no expression is astonishing...its a beautiful sunny day when everything is good but when stuff goes bad a hurricane rolls through and sometimes has some things sitting in the eye of the storm. Not particular on how to feel but knows that the raft will come around once again. Summer hotness comes when the emotions run deep...and sometimes when they don't but a person wants a quick deep in somebody's pool or wants them to take a swim in theirs. The emotions are tricky and highly unpredictable...a person could be the sweetest person in the morning and a bitch by night...a beautiful sunny day to the storm of the week. Moods come and go, follow each other and fighting to overtake the mind like a bad plague. Wonder when the next time the weather is going to change and back the sunny that has been around for days...

The Usual Wake-Up

Waking up in the middle of the night around the same time every night, looking over to my left to see if you are there next to me. My dreams just seemed so real. You were caressing my thoughts with your words and loving my mind with your tenderness. Having an intellect that I can't overlook or want to deny. Your voice was in my ear. I could hear it. You were next to me. You were holding me and telling me, "baby, everything will be okay. I'm here for you and I don't ever want to leave. I love you." It was real. I know it was real. My heart speaks volumes about how you have occupied the space that was so void and recollects your presence in my times of imaginative living.  When I awake from my fantasy world, I come face-to-face with a cold reality that you are not on my other side. The voice is gone, the hands are missing, the words...they live on but only in my head. Finding my phone sitting next to my pillow wondering if you are awake like I am to answer it and let my voice play through your speaker on the other side...to give me the soothing sound that is you to put me to sleep and keep me down for the rest of the night..."Baby, everything will be okay.  I'm here for you and I don't ever want to leave. I love you." "Can we go to bed baby? Can we be for the rest of the night and come back to each other in the morning?" "Yes bookie. I'll be here." The things that come off your lips and run through my brain starts to relax my nerves and puts my body down for the count. Call your words a cool knock out for I don't wake until the morning time in which I hope to repeat the feeling of knowing that I have you on my side. Living with the reality that later tonight, I will have that usual wake-up...will you answer for me pooh bay?

Never Finding An Escape

Having that same feeling is something that burns inside. Just going day by day knowing that its a feeling that cannot be shook. Wow is one way to describe the fifth or sixth time to feel it inside, but when it is constantly returning and can't be ignored, what more can a person do. What is this feeling? Fear. Fear that the dreams that are sat out in the head are never going to go through. The fear that there will never be a wedding or that the relationship won't last. Fear that the more and more people will walk away and never come back. Fear that the career will never happen. Fear that the next test will not be passed and that the person that matters the most will not come through. This feeling has so much attached to it, and yet it can be taken never be completely taken away. For those that are believers in God, the fear of Him is the only fear that is to exist. What about those that don't? Will fear live in them forever? To be afraid, to be scared, to be petrified of things that are in our control and are not. To eat, to sleep, to breath with it form time to time but at least once everyday...never to be taken down but never to build a momentum so strong that it becomes overpowering...Pushing a person away, shunning the world, bringing about emotions that have never been touched...Fear can do it...And for a split second, happiness takes fear to a place that cannot be ruined or penetrated. Met its match and will never when the war, it doesn't try to to take over the world of positivity and does not stand a chance in living there...but it won't go down without a fight. The feeling rears it ugly head and plants a seed that never stops growing and dying only to plant another seed and regrow again...like a leaf on a tree. The circle of negative and positive...the circle of fear and relief...Never finding an escape from that reoccurring feeling...Wonder when its going to come back to visit...